The splash zone

Before we even get started today, I need you all to know that I’ve worn glasses since I was about five years old. At this point, I think it’s safe to say I’m proficient in the four-eyed lifestyle. But for some reason, whatever bizarre parenting phase we’ve hit in our household lately has taken my spectacles by storm. I have never cleaned my glasses so much in my entire life.

My kids are pretty good at the “say it, don’t spray it” life. They’re not out there talking like Daffy Duck, and I only get the occasional cough or sneeze directly to my face. While we’re on the theme of ruling some things out, I also stand an appropriate distance away from the stove when I’m cooking. I don’t live in an old, dusty haunted house. Nor do I keep my face close to the active sink of dishes I find myself washing multiple times a day. But no matter what, my glasses are always gross.

Parenting, I’ve decided, means living in the splash zone: aggressively fun bath times, stomach bugs, or standing in the pouring rain while your toddler insists she can buckle her car seat by herself. I want to get the cleaning cloth out just thinking about it all. What’s even getting on my specs out in the wild? More concerningly, what would be getting in my eyeballs if I didn’t have to wear a pair of coke bottles every day? Should the rest of you be wearing protective eyewear everywhere you go? Probably, yes.

I admit defeat. I think the eyeglass cleaning kit is going to continue to live right next to my toothbrush (and under eye cream) for a twice-daily visit. But I’m open to suggestions.

— Shannon Hart, native Vermonter, mother of two, graphic designer at the Addison Independent